Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The 5 Greatest Christmas Movies Evar

For your holiday enjoyment, the GreatMoose has compiled a list of the 5 best Christmas movies to watch this season. I have selected them in no particular order, so feel free to enjoy at will.

1) Scrooged--Bill Murray, Karen Allen, Carol Kane, Bobcat Goldthwait. The best telling of the Scrooge story, hands down. Some great quotes here:

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?

Frank Cross: The b!*#% hit me with a toaster!

Frank Cross: You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you!

Frank Cross: You're staying here with me. We're working late.
Grace: I have to take my son to the doctor.
Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, YOU work late!
Grace: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: [sarcastically] I CARE!
[grabbing Grace]
Frank Cross: We're indivisible. If I'm workin' late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!!!

2) A Christmas Story--Another classic, about a boy's mania in getting that most revered of all presents: an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

Mr. Parker: Where's the glue?
Mother: We're out of glue.
Mr. Parker: You used up all the glue ON PURPOSE!

Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? Tt's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

The Old Man: Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!

3)Christmas Vacation--This one is SO good, MissSpeech and I watch it year 'round. Chevy Chase has never been funnier. Observe:

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you (indicates Margo).

Clark: Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one: I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh!t he is! Hallelujah, holy sh!t! Where's the Tylenol?

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Sh!ttin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Sh!ttin' rocks

Todd: Well, SOMETHING had to come through the window! SOMETHING had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don't KNOW, Margo!

4 and 5) Die Hard, and Die Hard 2--The entire plot of Die Hard and Die Hard 2 revolves around John McClane being forced to eliminate terrorists because no one else can do the job. And it just so happens that these events fall on Christmas, which John points out in Die Hard 2 saying grudgingly that Christmas is ruined yet again. The idea is, if he can stop these bad guys, he can go on to have his Christmas the way it's supposed to be, hence the ending of Die Hard 2.

So John is thinking, "It's Christmas. My wife is being held hostage. I want to have a relaxing time at Christmas with my wife. I can't do that until I kill these terrorists."

And there you go.

John McClane: You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
Joseph Takagi: Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks.

[stealing the dead terrorist's shoes]
John McClane: Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.

Holly Gennero McClane: After all your posturing, all your speeches, you're nothing but a common thief.
Hans Gruber: I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.

Al Powell: What's this about?
John McClane: Oh, just a feeling I have.
Al Powell: Ouch. When you get those feelings, insurance companies start to go bankrupt.

John McClane: Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a *&%$#' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this *&$#&*@^$' tin can.

So, enjoy your Christmas with some classic holiday films!

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