Saturday, August 30, 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

My Friends, We've Got Ourselves A RACE!

McCain picks Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska as his VP.

She's staunchly conservative, has 5 kids, hunts, fishes, and is all around pretty cool.

Even though it wasn't me, I have to admit: AWESOME choice.

An old white guy and a woman going up against a black dude and an old white guy. Now THAT's an American election for ya. This'll be interesting to watch. The dem's are already talking about her "lack of experience" as she's only been the Governor of Alaska for just over a year. What doesn't occur to them is 365 days is more than twice as long as the Obamessiah has been in the Senate (145 days). So maybe that's not a good argument. This will be so much fun to watch.

Some Thoughts On The Obamessiah's Oratory Last Night

Great speeches do not a great president make. But apparently that's all people want these days. It was nothing but platitudes and unfulfillable promises. Such as:

More money for teachers:

Makes sense. You can obviously turn bad teachers into good ones by paying them more money...wait. Well, you can attract better teachers by offering more money....but the union won't let you fire the current teachers, so....wait. Anyway, it should be easy for the federal government to up their salaries since most teachers are federal employees.....uh, never mind.

Cut taxes for 95 percent of all working families:

Super. After all, we can't get rid of any of our wasteful spending, so we'll just tax the bejeezus out of the those nasty rich people. I mean, they didn't do anything to deserve their money anyway.

Make cars more affordable:

Because that pesky free-market thing just won't do!

Hope, change, changes, hopes, hopefully changing hopeful change:

I think I farted a rainbow.

This country deserves better than Obama OR McCain.

Sad News

My friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that I am NOT, in fact, John McCain's choice for Vice President.

I just wanted you to hear it from me first, so you're not suprised when he announces who he has picked. Thanks for all your support.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

How Old Does This Make YOU Feel?

Beloit College has published thier annual "Mindset List", a list of things the incomming class of college freshman "have always known." It's a really interesting insight into thier world, and a really tiring insight into mine and most of my readers (except ZACK! I kid, I kid). Anyway, here's the list (shamelessly ripped from thier site):

Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.

For these students, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Ryan White, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Freddy Krueger have always been dead.

Harry Potter could be a classmate, playing on their Quidditch team.

Since they were in diapers, karaoke machines have been annoying people at parties.

They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.

GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.

Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.

Shampoo and conditioner have always been available in the same bottle.

Gas stations have never fixed flats, but most serve cappuccino.

Their parents may have dropped them in shock when they heard George Bush announce “tax revenue increases.”

Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.

Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene.

All have had a relative--or known about a friend's relative--who died comfortably at home with Hospice.

As a precursor to “whatever,” they have recognized that some people “just don’t get it.”

Universal Studios has always offered an alternative to Mickey in Orlando.

Grandma has always had wheels on her walker.

Martha Stewart Living has always been setting the style.

Haagen-Dazs ice cream has always come in quarts.

Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.

WWW has never stood for World Wide Wrestling. (Holy crap, has it been THAT long?)

Films have never been X rated, only NC-17.

The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents.

Students have always been "Rocking the Vote.”

Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court.

Schools have always been concerned about multiculturalism. (For better or worse, right?)

We have always known that “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”

There have always been gay rabbis.

Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.

College grads have always been able to Teach for America.

IBM has never made typewriters.

Roseanne Barr has never been invited to sing the National Anthem again.

McDonald’s and Burger King have always used vegetable oil for cooking french fries.

They have never been able to color a tree using a raw umber Crayola.

There has always been Pearl Jam.

The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST.

Pee-Wee has never been in his playhouse during the day.

They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium.

They may have been given a Nintendo Game Boy to play with in the crib.

Authorities have always been building a wall across the Mexican border.

Lenin’s name has never been on a major city in Russia.

Employers have always been able to do credit checks on employees.

Balsamic vinegar has always been available in the U.S.

Macaulay Culkin has always been Home Alone.

Their parents may have watched The American Gladiators on TV the day they were born.

Personal privacy has always been threatened.

Caller ID has always been available on phones.

Living wills have always been asked for at hospital check-ins.

The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.

They never heard an attendant ask “Want me to check under the hood?”

Iced tea has always come in cans and bottles.

Soft drink refills have always been free. (well, depends on where you eat)
They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about “nothing.”

Windows 3.0 operating system made IBM PCs user-friendly the year they were born.

Muscovites have always been able to buy Big Macs.

The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.

The Hubble Space Telescope has always been eavesdropping on the heavens.

98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.

Michael Milken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.

Off-shore oil drilling in the United States has always been prohibited.

Radio stations have never been required to present both sides of public issues.

There have always been charter schools.

Students always had Goosebumps.

Now, how old does that make you feel?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Michael Phelps Fun Facts

In honor of the Almighty Phelps, the (admittedly not-as-Great-in-comparison)Moose brings you fun facts about Michael Phelps. Read, and be amazed:

Fact: Michael Phelps actually failed to swim the English Channel, but only because he kept swimming right past France.
Fact: Moses didn't part the Red Sea, it was Michael Phelps wake.
Fact: The whitewater kayaking team once trained in Michael Phelps wake. May they rest in peace.
Fact: A Michael Phelps flip-turn is the only phenomenon in the universe capable of canceling out the force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
Fact: Michael Phelps once doggie-paddled up Niagra Falls
Fact: Michael Phelps doesn't get wet while swimming. The water 'just' avoids and moves around him to not get him upset.
Fact: Michael Phelps can walk on water, but he's too modest, so he swims instead.
Fact: Global warming is actually the planet's attempt at appeasing Michael Phelps by giving him more water to swim in.
Fact: Shamu is free to leave SeaWorld at anytime, but refuses to go back into open water due to a gambling debt in which he owes Michael Phelps $20.
Fact: A Michael Phelps flip turn produces 1.21 Gigawatts.
Fact: And if they increased the pool length by just 5 more meters he would reach the necessary 88 mph for time travel.
Fact: Michael Phelps can swim through pack ice. Take that, Shackleton.
FACT: Michael Phelps won a gold medal in the Phelps-athalon. That's where you swim the 400 meter freestyle, eat a 3000 calorie breakfast, and wrestle a crocodile. Simultaneously.
Fact: Cats actually like water. They're just too afraid of Michael Phelps to go in.
Fact: US food prices are up because Michael Phelps was training for the Olympics
Fact: Whales beach themselves to escape the humiliation of Michael Phelps outswimming them.
Fact: Failboat was caused by Michael Phelps.
Fact: The real reason Congress won't allow off-shore drilling is because Michael Phelps needs the entire U.S. coastline to swim his warm-up laps.

More to come, I'm sure.

Friday, August 08, 2008

That's Probably Not Good...

Russia has invaded Georgia, a democratic country, and the two countries are now at war.

Via Reuters:

MEGVREKISI, Georgia (Reuters) - Russia sent forces into Georgia on Friday to repel a Georgian assault on the breakaway South Ossetia region and Georgia's pro-Western president said the two countries were at war...

...A senior Russian military commander said parts of Russia's 58th army were approaching the rebel capital, where fighting raged between Russian-backed separatists and Georgian forces sent in on Friday to seize it.

Seeing as this is the opening day of the Olympics, it will be interesting to see what the media decides to cover: a new war or the sporting event intended to promote peace between countries. Eh.