Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Like A Playground, But Evil...

So MissSpeech, Justin, Joni, and myself were exploring the new Legends Crossing development the other day, when we came upon the playground. "Oh, that looks cool," we collectively thought. We ventured forth to avail ourselves of some of the features, when we noticed some things just didn't look quite right. In fact, it looked just plain wrong...

"What is this?" somebody whispered.

"I...I don't...know..." I replied.

"The horror, the horror..."

What is was, was the Lovecraftian design of the Kompan Galaxy playground "system". Seemingly dreamed up by the twisted mind of Great Cthulhu himself, the Galaxy is apparently some sort of Super Soldier training program/population control device, where only the fittest, most agile, most cunning, and most ruthless children will survive. You can view the propaganda video here (CONTENT WARNING: 7 minutes of PURE TERROR!!!).

From the "Argo", a slide with no rails, a zig-zag shape, and purposely designed unstable mounting, to the "Supernova", a tilted, rotating ring designed to fling less adept users to the ground with impunity, to the "Spica", which appears to be some sort of high-G training device, the Galaxy system is designed to breed truly unstoppable killing machines.

From their website:

Galaxy™ has challenging play events that captures the imagination of kids aged 5 to 12+. Only 20% will survive, weeding out the "less than desirable" recruits.

The system components can be customized to create unique constellations to fit any playground and budget, because we know that some militaries are better funded than others.

Inclusion in play enriches everyone's experience on the playground, and Galaxy™ offers access to children of all abilities. Many will enter, few will leave.

Durable materials are used in all components that stand up to the toughest conditions and use, so your recruits can train day and night without needing to provide maintenance for the facilites.

Galvanized steel and contrasting colors creates a look of rugged sophistication that older children find appealing, which helps to draw in officer candidates.

Galaxy's™ transparent design allows it to blend with any environment. You'll never see them coming!

Needless to say, we were...disturbed. Joni broke down sobbing, and MissSpeech pointed out that "it smells like sulfur here." And I noticed that the air temperature had dropped considerably. Yet, we were compelled to climb on this infernal machine, and we even attempted some of the training devices. Never have I felt fear such as that.

We managed to pull ourselves away after a bit without major injury, but I would hazard to say that none of us will ever look at children playing quite the same way again. I know I feel like they're watching me. Maybe they are...

Fear. Fear will keep the populace in line. Fear of our "children".

You know who else had a training program for children...

That's right. Hitler.

Rest well, citizens.


Joey said...

Who are these people?!?!?!

Greatmoose said...


JTapp said...

I still have nightmares to this day. Make it stop, make it stop!!

Anonymous said...


shelly said...

I'm still having nightmares!