Friday, June 08, 2007

I Have A New Hero: Jeff Sessions, The Man Who Killed The Immigation Bill

Sessions is The Man. His patience, persistence, and sheer MANLINESS has killed (at least for now) the horribly stupid immigration bill. He identified the 20 loopholes that made this bill so farking bad. I highly encourage you to read them as they mkae clear why so many conservative are against this bill. In honor of Mr. Sessions, Ace has a list of "cool facts" about him. EXTREMELY funny, but watch out for explicit language. The cool thing is, Ace has said that he's going to personally send the list to Mr. Sessions, as a gesture of support. That's pretty cool. Some of my favorites:

Jeff Sessions is so powerful, he once caused Trent Lott's hair to move.

Senator sessions once killed a man with a paperclip.
It took several weeks, but the man eventually succumbed to his wounds.
Sessions is patient and evil, like a crocodile armed with a paperclip.

There was a fight in the Alabama Senate today. What were the two state senators fighting over? Which one of them Jeff Sessions likes better.

Jeff Sessions' tears could bring Paul "Bear" Bryant back from the dead. But Jeff Sessions just plain refuses to cry.

Jack Baur wishes he was Jeff Sessions...

Jeff Sessions is actually over 300 years old. He is immune to the aging process thanks to a steady diet of roofing tacks, lightning, and treasonous congressmen. When asked about his unusual, life-extending diet, he replied "because my work here is not yet complete."

Jeff Sessions' alarm clock only displays two times: when he wakes up it's "Ass Kicking Time" and when he goes to bed it's "Preparing for Ass Kicking Time".

Sessions is indeed 300 years old. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor Jeff Sessions retaliated by flying several kamikaze missions against Japanese naval forces. He flew a P-38 Lightning fighter plane into a Japanese battleship and then swam back to shore where he got another plane and flew into another battleship this time with his arm out the window giving them the one-finger salute.

This one is for Doc:
You might have missed the Hollywood biopic of Jeff Sessions' life--which is understandable; with a title like Army of Darkness, it's not obvious what it was about.

And this one is for Justin:

Jeff Sessions won the Tallegeda 500 in 5 consecutive years, but his victories have not been recognized by NASCAR because he was jogging.

We still have heroes, it seems.

OK, one more:

Jeff Sessions tattooed his fists with the names "Truth" and "Justice".
You don't want to know what he tattooed with "The American Way".

6 comments:

JTapp said...

Interesting. In any 300-page piece of legislation you're going to have loopholes. Some of them I think will never be a problem, but he's got some valid concerns.

Again, a guest worker program like we had 50 years ago would be the simplest solution to solve pretty much all of these things. It's a one-stop shop, no amnesty required.

There aren't any proposals to enact the fencing and security measures included in the bill seperately, as far as I know. You would think they could pass such things without attaching them to larger bills.

JTapp said...

I was just watching one of McCain's speaking stops after the bill was defeated. Someone in the crowd told him that they could have passed the bill if the government would actually make good on their law last year mandating 700 miles of new fencing. McCain acknowledged his good point.

Just researching around, apparently Congress never even fully funded that project and only a few miles have been built. Sometimes even if you pass a law, nothing gets done in this country.

Greatmoose said...

To me, that's kind of the point of opposing this whole bill. Why can't we enforce the laws we already have? What makes us think these laws will be upheld when the previous ones haven't been? Why am I speaking in rhetoricals?

Joshua "Doc" Wible said...

Awesome list. For someone who cares very little about politics, and has never heard of Jeff Sessions, I always know I can come here to find out what is going on in the world of politics, and have a laugh while doing it. THanks again Andrew.

Greatmoose said...

I live to serve.

Joshua "Doc" Wible said...

Serve.... yes, great flaming piles of poo... that is what you live to serve.