Jeff Sessions is so powerful, he once caused Trent Lott's hair to move.
Senator sessions once killed a man with a paperclip.
It took several weeks, but the man eventually succumbed to his wounds.
Sessions is patient and evil, like a crocodile armed with a paperclip.
There was a fight in the Alabama Senate today. What were the two state senators fighting over? Which one of them Jeff Sessions likes better.
Jeff Sessions' tears could bring Paul "Bear" Bryant back from the dead. But Jeff Sessions just plain refuses to cry.
Jack Baur wishes he was Jeff Sessions...
Jeff Sessions is actually over 300 years old. He is immune to the aging process thanks to a steady diet of roofing tacks, lightning, and treasonous congressmen. When asked about his unusual, life-extending diet, he replied "because my work here is not yet complete."
Jeff Sessions' alarm clock only displays two times: when he wakes up it's "Ass Kicking Time" and when he goes to bed it's "Preparing for Ass Kicking Time".
Sessions is indeed 300 years old. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor Jeff Sessions retaliated by flying several kamikaze missions against Japanese naval forces. He flew a P-38 Lightning fighter plane into a Japanese battleship and then swam back to shore where he got another plane and flew into another battleship this time with his arm out the window giving them the one-finger salute.
This one is for Doc:
You might have missed the Hollywood biopic of Jeff Sessions' life--which is understandable; with a title like Army of Darkness, it's not obvious what it was about.
And this one is for Justin:
Jeff Sessions won the Tallegeda 500 in 5 consecutive years, but his victories have not been recognized by NASCAR because he was jogging.
We still have heroes, it seems.
OK, one more:
Jeff Sessions tattooed his fists with the names "Truth" and "Justice".
You don't want to know what he tattooed with "The American Way".